


Send in the clowns

by fawsley



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Circus, Comedy, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-14
Updated: 2012-05-14
Packaged: 2017-11-05 08:58:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/404602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fawsley/pseuds/fawsley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock knows a nose when he sees one...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Send in the clowns

**Author's Note:**

> Another offering from the recent weekend writing workshop with nepthys_uk. This one is a very silly dialogue fic. Lestrade only appears through mention, but he plays a Very Important role, and I hope all fans of the lovely Rupert Graves will get the joke.
> 
> Velcro's Circus is of course Zippo's in disguise!

‘Sherlock, I’m really not happy about this.’

‘Your happiness, or lack of it, is of no importance. The circus is the key to solving these crimes so it is to the circus that we are going.’

‘We did this once before – crime, circus, a night out. Remember? It doesn’t exactly conjure up pleasant memories.’

‘Get your wallet out, John, and pay for the tickets.’

‘What?’

‘Get your wallet out. John. And pay for the tickets.’

‘Yes, I did hear you the first time.’

‘And so there was absolutely no need for me to reiterate. Stop being tiresome and get on with it.’

‘Get on with it? I’m having to cough up for a show I really do not want to go to in order for you to prove that Dumbo is in fact a trained assassin?’

‘John. Velcro’s Circus is key here. The previous murders all occurred during precisely the same time periods as when the circus was performing on Peckham Rye. This time we have an excellent description of the suspect, who has to be someone connected with Velcro’s. Even Lestrade concurs on that, for God’s sake. And you’re the one with the cash. They don’t take plastic.’

‘And so where exactly is the good Detective Inspector this evening if he’s so very certain that you’re right? Surely he’s not going to let you take all the glory for solving this one?’

‘Claims he suffers from coulrophopia. Totally irrational, of course.’

‘Oh God, do I even need to know what that is?’

‘Sometimes, John, your slender grasp of basic lexicology is astounding. Coulrophobia. Fear of clowns. To put it in words of one syllable or less.’

‘My gratitude for your supercilious condescension.’

‘You’re welcome.’

‘You’re an arse.’

‘Sit down and be quiet, the show’s about to start.’

 

´¨)  
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‘So… Half way through the show and how much nearer are we to fingering our man? Or monkey. Or even marsupial. Because to be quite honest with you, so far I’ve not seen anyone or anything that bears even the slightest similarity to the description we’ve got of our murderer.’

‘You look, but as ever, you do not observe.’

‘The Observers’ Book of Common Circus Criminals was never top of my reading list, I’m afraid.’

‘Remind me, John. Are you keeping them peeled for a white male, around five foot eight, thinning short black hair, light build, late twenties to early thirties, nose previously broken, lobe of right ear damaged?’

‘Yes. Yes I am. And there has been absolutely nobody…’

‘Nobody who looks anything like that. Of course not. We’re at the circus John, our suspect works for the circus, they’re going to be in disguise.’

‘Don’t tell me – it’s the pretty lady in tights jumping through hoops on the back of that clodhopping carthorse.’

‘Being facetious doesn’t help.’

‘It gets me through the days, especially when my days are spent in your company.’

‘The clowns, John! It has to be one of the clowns! They’re the ones in full make-up, they’re the ones who can easily disguise their size, their shape, their height.’

‘Good job Lestrade did blow you out then. Last thing you want is one of Scotland Yard’s finest doing a screaming runner from someone with a squirting buttonhole in an exploding car. Doesn’t do much good for public confidence in the boys and girls in blue.’

‘Which is why I’m relying on you to take him down.’

‘Hold on - you’re what?’

‘I spotted which one he was as soon as I saw him. The clowns always come on again in the second half of the show, that’s when we tackle him. You’re the one with the army training, know what you’re doing in face-to-face combat, so you take him down.’

‘Think I might have missed the clown-clobbering module…’

‘He’s not a clown, he’s a killer. As soon as he knows we’re on to him he’ll make a break for it. I’m relying on you, John.’

‘And I’m relying on him not being able to get very far in those shoes…’

 

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‘That’s him, the one with the red nose!’

‘Sherlock, they’ve all got red noses.’

‘The one with the especially large red nose that looks like a tomato.’

‘He’s more than five eight. More than early thirties and light build come to that. Sherlock are you sure he’s…’

‘Of course he’s our man. Trust me, John. Remember – he’s in disguise. Padding, platform shoes, make up. Simply knowing how to hold yourself, how to walk, how to…’

‘All right, all right. I believe you. So, you distract him and I’ll rugby-tackle him and get him into a lock-hold. Right?’

‘Right. Now, on my count…. GO!’

 

´¨)  
¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)  
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‘It really was a very good disguise, you have to admit that.’

…

‘I mean, I never realised. Not at all. Not until you ripped off his beard.’

…

‘And anyway, we did get the right man in the end. Well, Lestrade did.’

…

‘I expect he’ll forgive you if you buy him a pint. Or three. Or maybe take him to Velcro’s next time they’re in town.’

…

‘Who’d ever have guessed he had that sort of career behind him? Not even the great Sherlock Holmes picked up on that one!’

…

‘You’re going to have to stop sulking some time, you know. You were on the right track, after all. You just nobbled the wrong clown.’

…

‘Mrs H’s birthday’s coming up. I wonder if Greg’s available for party bookings...’

 

_‘John will you please shut up. I’m suffering from an acute attack of coulrophobia!’_


End file.
